I know that one of the cheapest and least amusing traveller's jokes is the "foreigners have funny names" one. But I would be doing a disservice to my readers if I failed to mention the name of a Chinese restaurant that I saw the other day. The Puking Restaurant. There.It is as well to have got that out of the way early.
Now onto shopping. We have a supermarket in Luang Prabang now! It is a Chinese one near the Southern Bus Station.
Shopping there is quite an experience. The first thing to be said is that it is massively overstaffed. I would think that 2/3 of the staff are fulfilling no useful function whatsoever. How different from our own beloved Tesco where they seem to have fewer staffed checkouts and more empty shelves each time I go. But let me take you through step by step in case you should want to visit.
On arrival you park under a sign that says FREE PARKING, in 3 languages. At which point a security guy comes up to you and demands 2,000kip. And if you are Lao, you pay it, because you are well mannered. But if you are a crusty old falang, you laugh, point to the sign and say, "What does that say ?" The security man was genuinely outraged that someone had spotted his scam. If he can get that sum out of 200 customers a day that is about 30 pounds...or what a school teacher earns in a week...if the government has any money to pay them. Welcome to China!
Moving from the car park, you are prevented from entering the shop until you have been to a kiosk( 3 or 4 staff) and made to hand over your shopping bags. Oh yes, who wants shopping bags when they go shopping? How much better to be given multiple plastic carriers? Your next attempt is also prevented, as you have made the foolish mistake of trying to enter by the large open doors on the ground floor. You are directed up an external staircase of about 30 steps and required to enter at the first floor. Of course there is no lift, so please don't be elderly or infirm or disabled or pushing a pram if you want to shop here. I imagine that prams are, anyway, forbidden by management.
Now you are almost in the shop a team of people will watch you enter, and you will be issued with a basket on wheels by another team. The goods are well laid out and the range of items is pretty thorough, especially if you have gone into buy tea or rice. But there are odd rules. I decided to buy some Beerlao (of course). It was sold in individual bottles, but as went I went to take 2 bottles it was explained by the Beerlao team that I could only buy 3. Not more, not less, just 3. As you go around the shop you will be tailed by staff as you enter their particular domain. Those of you who know "Walkman Village" in VTE and LPB, will know the feeling of having staff following you around 2 feet behind you. Being childish, I turn the tables, stare at them and when they back away, I follow them around. I know, I know, but we have so few pleasures out here.
Sometimes there is a fresh fruit and vegetable section, and sometimes there is not. I have not worked out the rules of that one yet.
Anyway, basket brimming with good things it is time to head for the large sign that says "CASHER". This is where it starts to get interesting. I was foiled in my effort to buy 2 bottles of toilet duck. (Ok, Ok..one for home, one for work..alright?) That was against the rules. I wonder why? Health and safety? Do some Chinese have illegal Toilet Duck parties where they sniff, drink or even paint each others' bodies with it? I just don't know. But anyway, the helpful Casher explained that my friend could buy the second bottle as a separate transaction, so he did.(So, hey...party time...but please bring a bottle !!)
Now, I fear I may be losing my audience but I will struggle on. Once the items are taken out of ones' basket and rung up on the till they are then removed to another basket and taken to another desk where they are removed from the second basket and put into bags. Then, at the other end of that desk, once your bags bags have been identified by fingerprinting and DNA (yes, I made that bit up) you can collect your goods by producing your receipt. This is then stamped; for what purpose I do not know; it seems that receipting the receipt is not really that necessary. Anyway,when you are handed your bags, a young man standing about 12 inches from the girl who just stamped your receipt, checks that you have a receipt, at which point you are allowed to carry your bags down to the ground floor. Carry, not wheel. Goodness knows what happens when you then want to buy something on the ground floor...maybe you have to take your bags outside and re-enter?
This might be a good time to make a cup of tea as I am about to recount 2 incidents of shopping Lao style. The first is quite simple. I go into a shop agree a price on a mattress and a sofa. Oh that was painless. Delivery? Oh No we can't deliver. You expect me to carry them home, do you? When I suggest that the sale is conditional upon me being able to enjoy these items at home rather than just in the shop, that produces a shrug of the shoulders and the end of negotiations . No Sale.
The second is more curious. I wanted to buy some fire extinguishers. Nobody seemed to know where I might find these so I went to the insurance company who had recently sold me fire insurance, thinking that this would be something they would encourage. But no. In fact, the manager seemed to think it was very odd of me. After all, I had just bought insurance from him.. why would I want fire extinguishers when I am insured? No, he did know know where such curious objects might be found. On further enquiry I was directed to the Police and Fire Service. Not a bad suggestion maybe. The first attempt failed as they were at lunch...so if you are considering having a fire or burglary please, please do not do it at mealtimes.
So I tried again....but NO...they had no such things although they had heard of them. Indeed, they knew a man who might be able, for a fee, to procure such an item. As luck would have it he was not far away. But he did not know personally where such things could be found. However, he knew someone who did. Great ! Off we go. I shall not ask you to guess where we were directed, as it is so obvious. It was of course, the shooting range for the LPB crossbow club. Indeed, where else one might hope to find a fire extinguisher? And he was able to help....well, up to a point (no pun intended). He knew someone in Vientiane who had, by all accounts, some of what I desired, and if gave him $60 he could procure one; just a small one,.
Really, if I was trying to procure drugs, or a (small) Burmese transsexual prostitute I doubt that it could have been harder to achieve; or more expensive. No Sale. (For any of the foregoing.)
No way am I going to try to buy a Pork Pie; life is just too short.
Happy shopping !
ALAN
PS I was asked at lunchtime to pronounce the word that is spelled UNIQUE; I had some sympathy for the questioner.
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