Now, where was I?

LETTER FROM LAOS

Now, where was I ?

Right now I am in Luang Prabang , sitting on my balcony in the sun, drinking Lao coffee and listening to a CD of the Pet Shop Boys, with a copy of Gulliver’s Travels next to me….what more could I ask?

I had 5 weeks in the UK but am now “home” again, having travelled via Dubai, Bangkok and Vientiane. The various journeys were relatively uneventful (by local standards). I did have a small initial setback when my hand luggage failed the security check. At least 5 minutes was taken up by security trying to locate what dangerous substances I was seeking to take on board. Eventually the culprits were found to be two tins of Baked Beans (Sainsbury’s home brand), which were deemed to have failed the rules on taking excessive amounts of liquids on board; hardly a ringing endorsement of Sainsbury’s quality.Rather oddly ,I was advised that if in future I shopped in Boots the Chemist I would find that their tinned food passed the security test ! Sadly, therefore, therefore, for the moment, the youth of Laos will be unable to experience the basic food substance that their UK equivalents exists on. I might add, that once on the plane I found a sharp pair of nail scissors in my jacket pocket, which was not detected by security and which suggests that being exposed to baked beans in flight is considered a much more dangerous event than being stabbed by a sharp object – something that many of you might sympathise with. Happily, however, my jar of Branston pickle passed the gourmet/security test and it now sits in the kitchen waiting to be united with the farmhouse Leicester cheese which also was deemed not to be a threat to international security.

Dubai airport gave the impression of being the largest and busiest airport that I have visited, though I suspect that the figures may not justify that impression. But for those needing retail therapy, it is just the place. After Dubai I stayed with Gun and his family in Bangkok for one night. A few years ago I would have rolled my eyes at the suggestion that I would spend an evening listening to a Thai band singing Lily Allen songs but these things have now come to pass. Thanks, as ever to Gun’s family for their kindness.

On the sleeper train to Vientiane there were a few curious characters, not least the guard, who was a master of the quick change routine. Between stations he shuffled around in shorts and a slightly grubby teeshirt, but within sight of a station stop he instantly transformed himself into a Captain in the Ruritatanian Cavalry, being superbly turned out in a magnificent uniform complete with a row of medals at his chest. I was also amused by the heavily armed security guard, who throughout the 12 hour journey wore a face mask, presumably to ward off dangerous substances; the only times the mask were removed was when he wanted to smoke or to drink Coca Cola; maybe someone needs to have word with him?

Also on the train there was an eccentric American (but then there always is). I would be tempted to describe him as “elderly” but for fear that he was no older than I am. Maybe the years have been less kind to him, for he was a bald, badly dressed , slightly deaf skeleton held together by a belt around what might have once been his waist. (No, Peter, Chris, Dom, comments are not necessary, thank you) Anyway, the point of all this is that he was kind enough to share his philosophy of life with me. It was relatively simple and I invite you all to consider its wisdom and possibly act upon it. It was as follows, “never marry a poor Thai woman”. I thanked him for sharing this with me and asked if he spoke from experience, but he assured me that he did not and that he would only ever consent to marry a rich Thai woman. This sounded a perfectly acceptable philosophy and I assured him that as and when the in his quest………

While in Vientiane we celebrated my son’s 24^th birthday a week early. While telling me about his landlord, he mentioned that the gentleman in question was “very old….like you, Pappa”. Well, thanks Thong.....happy birthday! He also reported the canard that when in the UK I am believed to drink wine with breakfast, lunch and dinner every day. As several of you know this is quite defamatory and that on several occasions there have been instances when the first glass of Chablis did not pass my lips until, oh, lets say, 11am.

The 8 hour bus ride to Luang Prabang took the usual 10.5 hours. The bus (the so-called “VIP” bus) was so full that the baggage blocked access to the toilet, and that calls of nature were indeed conducted as nature intended. To accommodate the number of passengers, additional plastic stools were placed in the aisle which generally added to the gaiety of the journey. Happily, and quite co-coincidentally, a neighbour was at the Bus Station with his tuk-tuk which meant that the transfer of myself and my c.42kilos of luggage to my home was achieved with little ado. Maybe also co-incidentally was the appearance of the “egg lady” within seconds of my arrival, clearly her hens are tuned into the arrival of the village farang and whose timetables are more accurate than those of the bus company. Next door’s puppy (now well into adolescence) also quickly resumed his 7am and 7pm visits; he is the full brother to the dog that I was given but did not live long enough for me to make more than a passing acquaintance with. To be honest, much as I love dogs I am happier with a 10% share of next door’s one than the responsibility of one of my own in country where I imagine canine diseases and prevalent and vetinary services non-existent.

Whilst I was in UK my handmade furniture arrived, and if I have ever sounded less than effusive about the quality of Lao craftsmanship, let me place on record that the chairs are a triumph. They were relatively expensive by local standards, and of course, took 3 times as long as promised but they are well worth the money and the wait.

This afternoon I shall visit a temple to meet up with a friend who has become a monk for three days, and into day 2 is clearly regretting his somewhat uncharacteristic display of piety. In ‘normal’ life he is the campest of camp in terms of his manners and dress, so I look forward to seeing how he has been able to adjust his monastic garb to his usual lifestyle appearance. I suspect that somehow his robes will have just a slight pastel hue as compared to the deeper tinted robes of his colleagues.

Whilst I have been writing this an ominous occurrence has taken place; a friend has arrived with a satellite dish, which he appears to installing outside my house. I was not aware that he has any interest in astronomy so I can only conclude that he feels that I can no longer be expected to survive without a TV. Just think of the many happy hours I shall be able to spend watching the uniformed geriatrics who run this country telling me about the fight against corruption or this week’s great educational and healthcare advances. Still I think Lao TV does not have Big Brother or those endless talent contests which seem to be the staple of UK TV (Debbie, your company does not produce these I trust??)

Since, as you will have observed I have absolutely nothing to write about, having been back in LPB for little more than 36 hours, I will sign off now and return to pressing matters like organising my now enlarged collection of Steeleye Span CDs.

ALAN